Parenting column by Sasha Hart, family care manager at Community Family Care, Staunton

Your child has hopefully settled in after heading back to school.

They were no doubt excited to see friends and have possibly made new ones.

But you may have had the dreaded playground squabble and are not quite sure how to deal with the fallout.

Relax (a bit): it’s normal

Children fall out (and in again) fairly quickly. It is part of children learning how to communicate and deal with differences.

Reassure, hug and listen

Your child might feel as if their world is collapsing. Give hugs, provide shoulders to cry on and support them in managing their emotions.

Help them to help themselves

Encourage your child to think through what they could do to resolve the situation. If there’s been a misunderstanding, how could they try to explain? If the other child is consistently mean to them, who else could they play with instead? Supporting them to come up with their own solutions is great for encouraging problem solving and building their resilience.

Resist the temptation to wade in

Parental instincts might urge you to sort the problem but wait to see if everything settles by itself.

Confronting the other child isn’t fair or appropriate and your child will probably find it embarrassing.

It’s also important to encourage children to problem solve for themselves to develop independence.

Proceed with caution with the other parents

Many parents struggle to accept their offspring have done anything wrong. The children are likely to make up before the week is out which will potentially leave an awkward feud between the parents.

If the other child’s parents confront you it is sensible to suggest ‘let’s leave the children to sort it out’, or similar.

If you feel the incident was serious and the school needs to get involved, perhaps say that you would rather the school dealt with it.

When to speak to the teacher...

If the dispute involved physical violence, becomes persistent, and/ or your child doesn’t want to go to school or is having trouble sleeping, then it’s time to raise it with their teacher.

They can then keep a closer eye on the children, intervening if necessary.

Community Family Care, based at Staunton, Gloucestershire helps families, children and young people in need of additional support.

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​Parenting column by Sasha Hart, family care manager at Community Family Care, Staunton

With back-to-school time approaching, preparing to get back in to the school routine can trigger a range of emotions.

Parents may feel a sense of relief combined with sadness that extended time as a family is over.

Children may feel apprehensive about going back or feel excited about a new term and seeing friends again.

The first few weeks of term can be stressful so we’ve put together some survival tips.

Be prepared

During the first few weeks of term your child is likely to be tired and more likely to misbehave or be irritable.

They have gone from a prolonged time at home and fun activities to a structured day with a cognitive overload.

Factor this in when booking other activities and allow your child some downtime.

Back to routine

Try to prepare your child for the changed routine ahead of time.

If you know they struggle in the mornings, get them up earlier in the final couple of weeks of the holidays and get back to regular bedtimes.

Talk through the routine with your child so they know what will happen. 

Have a chart with the times and what usually happens as a reminder.

Get back in to a regular homework routine as soon as possible – children will often have more homework than the previous year and will need to keep on top of it from the start.

Plan ahead

Be as organised as you can to help things to run smoothly.

Do as much as you can the night before to help with those first mornings and allow extra time to avoid a mad rush.

Remind your child ahead of time what usually happens when they are at school – what time they need to be up, when homework days are or who will be picking them up from school.

Make time to talk through any anxieties your child may have.

Take five

Parents often use the first weeks of back to school time to catch up with things they were unable to do during the summer, whether that’s work, washing or deep cleaning the house.

Remember that everyone needs downtime – take five minutes to savour a cup of tea in peace and quiet.

Community Family Care, based at Staunton, Gloucestershire helps families, children and young people in need of additional support.

Click here to download PDF of this article.

​Parenting column by Sasha Hart, family care manager at Community Family Care, Staunton

With the summer holiday approaching, many parents will be to wondering how they are going to entertain children and keep chaos under control.

The holidays can be a stressful time with everyone at home and it can be hard to juggle the things you usually do when the children are at school.

We’ve put together some tips for encouraging children to help with tasks so you don’t feel frazzled.

Having children help out means there is more time for family activities and important down time for parents at the end of the day.

Plan ahead

Talk to your children about helping out over the summer holidays.

You may want to sit down as a family and decide on a jobs list that is reasonable and realistic for your children given their ages and within their limits.

Only choose jobs that are safe for them to complete. Let each child pick 2-3 jobs each they are going to take responsibility for and explain why helping is important.

If children cannot decide on their own jobs, pick some for them. Finalise a job list for each child.

You may want to get them to draw this up into a timetable or show your child how to complete their jobs and support them by completing them together initially.

Agree on a set day or time for jobs to be finished and explain you will be checking they have been done. Set agreed rewards and consequences.

Rewards

Common rewards for completing tasks include pocket money.

Rewards could be anything from earning spending money for a family trip, to earning the family trip or extra time with mum and dad. Rewards do not need to be expensive.

Consequences

Agree some consequences with your child ahead of time. If a child does not want to help out and complete their tasks then remind them of the agreed consequence and make sure you follow through in implementing it.

Review

Remember to review your child’s progress with them and support them to make changes.

Review if your child is realistically able to complete their chosen tasks.

Remember to provide your children with lots of praise for completing tasks.

Click here to download PDF of this article.

​Parenting column by Sasha Hart, family care manager at Community Family Care, Staunton

Switch off, tune out and enjoy summer without screens

With the summer holiday approaching many parents may be thinking about reducing their children’s screen time.

UK health advice suggests children should have screen free days and two-hour limits on time in front of screens.

It sounds great but the reality of implementing this can be a battle many parents struggle with.

Here’s how to set some boundaries and swap screen time for face time.

Set a good example

Children learn from their parents so if it’s normal to see you on your phone or tablet, they will want to do the same.

Turn off your tech for the same time you expect your children to.

Establish rules

Have family rules regarding screen use and implement times when you have family time and everyone turns off their tech.

Create a family agreement regarding the use of screens/ tech and get everyone involved in coming up with the rules for breaks so everyone is on board as a family.

Use apps to help programme breaks on devices and use consequences such as turning off the internet or power to help enforce breaks.

You may also have a tech box where devices get put during a screen free day. You may also have school rules and weekend rules regarding screens.

Equal devices

The average family has nearly two dozen screens under one roof so they must be treated the same.

Don’t just swap a tablet for TV time. Try to eliminate background TV so children get used to screen free time.

Removal of a device could be a consequence for not following the family agreement.

Be active

Plan what your child views, watch programmes or play games with them and comment on what you’re watching (more interactive).

Screen time can be isolating so have a balance of interaction during time on tech. It can be used as a teaching tool.

Tablets and phones can limit the amount of eye contact shared between children and parents so remember to put down your tech when responding to your child.

Provide alternatives

Creating a weekly schedule based on the idea of one hour of technology use equalling one hour on other activities.

There are lots of alternatives to screen time – relive your childhood fun.

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​Parenting column by Sasha Hart, family care manager at Community Family Care, Staunton.

Exam season can be a very stressful time for everyone in the family.

Getting your child to revise may be a struggle or perhaps they are refusing to even sit the exams.

It is understandable you will want them to do their best, but if you are worried, imagine how overwhelming it might be for them.

As a parent you can help your children by just being there and encouraging them to talk about their feelings and fears.

Here are a few ideas to make exam time that bit more bearable.
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• Make sure they have a comfortable place to work. If this isn’t possible, make it easy for them to go elsewhere – their grandparents’ home or the library.
• Establish a revision routine that suits them which may mean rearranging the family’s schedules and priorities. Remember to include breaks.
• Accept some people can revise better with music or the TV on in the background – we are all different.
• Try to avoid nagging as it can help them lose focus and increase stress levels/ moodiness.
• Remind them it is never too late to study, revise or ask for help.
• Schedule small and frequent rewards for the effort they are putting in. A larger reward of a day out may give something to look forward and a much-needed break.
• Be calm, positive, reassuring and put the whole thing into perspective – if you’re stressed they will be too.

Preparing for an exam 

Make sure you have a clear timetable visible with times and locations.

Encourage children to get all their pens, pencils and equipment ready the evening before and try to get them to go to bed early so they are able to have a restful sleep and encourage them to eat before an exam to maintain concentration.

After the exam

Allow them the opportunity to talk about how they have done while you listen. Encourage them not to dwell on mistakes they think they have made.

When the exams are over plan an event to mark the results, whatever they are, and have some fun with your child.

When children struggle to make friendships it can be tough on the whole family.

Whether it’s the lack of invitations to parties or seeing your child sitting alone in the playground, friendship problems can spark huge anxiety for parents.

It is important to remember your child’s limited friendships are only a problem if your child is unhappy.

Some children are perfectly content having just one friend or spending a lot of time on their own.

Here are some tips to help encourage friendships and deal with problems.

Listen
If your child tells you other children won’t let them play or shares other worries about friendships, listen and accept their feelings. Don’t play down their fears. Acknowledge them and guide them towards solutions.

Avoid labelling
Whether your child is having difficulties with friendships due to being quiet and reserved or overly boisterous and controlling, be careful about labelling your child. Labels such as bossy or shy can be very self-fulfilling and may put your child in a role you want to avoid.

Role model
Children learn from watching others so your behaviour can inadvertently influence how your child interacts with other children. If you feel anxious in social situations, you may find your child is also nervous. Try role modelling to demonstrate how to act in social situations. Skills such as holding a conversation and basic social rules like sharing belongings, being considerate and compromising can all be role-modelled in daily life.

Arrange supervised play dates
It can be easy to avoid having friends over if there are problems but this provides little opportunity for children to practise social skills. Try to invite friends who may help boost skills and supervise play to keep things on track.

Praise positive behaviour
Offer lots of descriptive praise when your child displays social skills you want to encourage, and back these up with rewards if necessary.

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Parenting column by Sasha Hart, family care manager at Community Family Care, Staunton

It is common for children to have disagreements and fall out while playing.

Turn taking and sharing is a skill they need to develop. Problems arise when children do not learn how to problem solve and that can lead to aggressive behaviour frequently occurring whilst playing.

We’ve come up with some simple steps to help.

Explain the rules

Decide on two or three simple rules for playing with others and remind your child before playing – keep hands and feet to yourself or share and take turns.

Rules should act as a reminder for the behaviour you want to encourage, not what you want to avoid.

Encourage positive behaviour

Offer lots of praise when your child is playing well with others. If playing with others is particularly difficult for your child, you may want to reinforce positive play with a reward at the end.

Choose activities to encourage positive play

Some activities promote sharing and turn taking, such as board games and ball games, which can be a great start.

More structured play will help your child to remember the rules as free play can be chaotic, particularly if your child struggles with sharing/playing nicely.

Step in before it escalates

Often aggressive behaviour is triggered by children becoming frustrated over not getting their own way.

Children can struggle to articulate what they want and the idea is to help them problem solve before the behaviour escalates.

For example, give them some words to use: “Tom – say ‘Isaac you’ve had your turn, it’s now my turn’.”

What to do if it escalates

Tell your child what you want them to stop doing and what behaviour you want to see instead.

Act as soon as you see it happening. If they do not do as you have asked, give a logical consequence such as removing the item they are fighting over for a set time or take your child for a time out to calm down.

Praise your child as soon as you see them playing nicely again and this will encourage that to continue.

Click here to download PDF of this article.

When your child tells you to get them a snack, you’ll probably be tempted to laugh.

It is natural for children to be developing their personality and most go through a phase where they bark out demands and orders.

But it is useful to remember who is in control as your child could quickly become the one calling all the shots.

>> Who is in control?

If you let your child get their own way all the time, you’re in danger of a teenager that is used to getting their own way.

Don’t do what they say just for a quiet life – remind them to make requests in an appropriate manner.

Defuse power struggles by offering as many choices as you can, that way they’ll feel as though they’ve had a say in the matter.

>> Communication

Teach your child how to ask nicely for what they want. Demanding things can be a hard habit to break, so practise phrases your child can use to ask for things politely.

Try role modelling through play if your child particularly struggles.

Good communication skills are an asset, so by developing them you are standing your child in good stead.

>> Attention

Pay less attention to bossy behaviour.

Children love playing to an audience so don’t encourage the behaviour by laughing.

Don’t spend lots of one to one time with your child addressing the behaviour – simply ignore the bossy demand and only respond to the desired behaviour.

>> Friendships

There’s a danger bossiness could affect your child’s friendships.

Supervise play if you feel this may be an issue and take them to one side if you feel they are becoming bossy.

Set rules for play and role model communication skills with your child.

A bossy child is usually an assertive one, and assertiveness can be an asset as your child grows up.

Helping children develop communication skills and see all points of view can transform their bossiness into future leadership skills.

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​With the festive period over, getting back in the school routine can be a struggle for both children and parents.

The routine you worked so hard to establish can feel like a distant memory after bedtimes and everyday activities have been disrupted, meaning back-to-school can be a stressful experience for all involved.

We’ve put together some tips to help make school mornings less stressful.

Plan ahead 

Prep lunchboxes, PE kits, book bags and school uniforms the night before to avoic dashing around trying to find things and causing additional stress.

It will allow more time in the morning to focus on breakfast, washing and getting dressed.

Check any homework has been completed and placed in school bags the night before. This could avoid an argument in the morning.

Get up early 

Leave plenty of time for everyone to get up and ready.

Think how long it will realistically take to get ready in the morning and give yourself an extra 15-25 minutes to allow for anything that may not go to plan.

Make sure children know what time they need to get up and prompt them in the morning if they struggle.

Structure 

Try to follow the same routine each morning so children know what is expected of them and when.

It will differ among households so sit down with your children and come up with your routine as a family.

Sometimes children respond better to seeing it written down or in pictures and can use it as a checklist.

It also helps parents to give prompts to remind children which step they should have reached.

If children struggle with breakfast, ensure it is at the same time each morning to help them get used to it in their routine.

Giving children small choices about what to have for breakfast will help, such as what jam to put on toast or what kind of cereal they would like.

Getting up in plenty of time will also help breakfast to become a stress-free event.

Review 

If your morning routine isn’t working, review what works and what you find stressful to make adjustments.

Click here to download PDF of this article.

Parenting column by Sasha Hart, family care manager at Community Family Care, Staunton

The holidays are around the corner and many families will have a busy social calendar.

Having visitors or going to visit friends and relatives can lead to a variety of problem behaviours in children such as showing off for attention or having tantrums.

Children can learn problem behaviour is overlooked when others are around and can use it as an opportunity to misbehave, turning what should be a fun visit in to a stressful time for parents.

Here are some simple tips.

Plan ahead 

Prepare your child for having visitors. Tell your child who is coming and what you would like them to do.

It is often useful to plan some activities to keep children entertained or take some activities with you.

Try to plan visitors or visits at times that don’t disrupt your child’s usual routine – tired and hungry children are less likely to be happy.

Rules 

Setting two or three simple rules can remind your child what is expected of them.

For example, say excuse me if you need to speak to mum or dad, share your toys, play nicely with others.

Discuss the rules with your child, along with rewards and consequences and remind them of the rules.

Agree on a small reward with your child if they follow the rules.

Praise

Give your child lots of praise each time you see them behaving well so they are not having to misbehave to get attention.

Check in on them every 10 minutes or so and engage them in a different activity if they are starting to get bored.

Consequences 

If your child starts to misbehave, get close and gain their attention by using their name, tell them what you want them to stop doing and what you would like to see them doing instead.

Follow up with a consequence if they do not do as you have asked.

Review 

Once the visit is over review what went well with your child to reinforce the behaviour you would like to see next time.

If there was a problem following one of the rules remind your child of the rule and set a goal for next time.

Click here to download PDF of this article.