Sasha Brown of Community Family Care provides advice on dealing with power struggles
Be reasonable
Make sure that what you’re asking of your child is reasonable. Have you asked them to do something that is beyond their capabilities? Have you given them an unrealistic time frame?
Forewarn your child
A lot of grumbling can be prevented if you give children five or 10 minutes notice that they need to finish what they’re doing so they can put their toys away, get ready for bed or whatever the task at hand is.
Acknowledge your child’s feelings
When children grumble they often just want to be heard. So simply say something like: “Yeah, I know doing dishes isn’t much fun. But it will feel good when they’re all done and you can go play.”
Offer choices
As much as possible, offer your child choices. For example, you can’t waver from the expectation that your children will have to complete homework but you can offer choices as to exactly when and where they do the work.
Consequences
If your child refuses to do what you’ve asked, calmly state what the consequence will be if they don’t comply.
Give them reasonable time to do as you’ve asked.
Sometimes when children are resistant, parents too often move in closer and increase the volume and intensity of their demands. Then our child matches that intensity by increasing resistance. By stepping back, we allow our child to save face and ‘choose’ to cooperate.
Follow through
If your child still doesn’t do as you ask, impose the consequence swiftly and matter-of-factly. If they complain, remove your attention and walk away. You are the adult and you are choosing not to engage in the power struggle. Shouting or bombarding a child with angry words does no good at this point. He or she needs to see that you meant what you said.
Move on
Once the consequence has been imposed, move on without bearing a grudge. It’s important to remember to ‘catch your children being good’.
Let them know you appreciate it when they follow directions, especially when they do so cheerfully.
It’s important to understand that all children are uncooperative at times. And at certain ages, especially during the toddler period and early adolescence, resistance and defiance are especially common as kids struggle to prove their independence.
Click here to download this article.
Be reasonable
Make sure that what you’re asking of your child is reasonable. Have you asked them to do something that is beyond their capabilities? Have you given them an unrealistic time frame?
Forewarn your child
A lot of grumbling can be prevented if you give children five or 10 minutes notice that they need to finish what they’re doing so they can put their toys away, get ready for bed or whatever the task at hand is.
Acknowledge your child’s feelings
When children grumble they often just want to be heard. So simply say something like: “Yeah, I know doing dishes isn’t much fun. But it will feel good when they’re all done and you can go play.”
Offer choices
As much as possible, offer your child choices. For example, you can’t waver from the expectation that your children will have to complete homework but you can offer choices as to exactly when and where they do the work.
Consequences
If your child refuses to do what you’ve asked, calmly state what the consequence will be if they don’t comply.
Give them reasonable time to do as you’ve asked.
Sometimes when children are resistant, parents too often move in closer and increase the volume and intensity of their demands. Then our child matches that intensity by increasing resistance. By stepping back, we allow our child to save face and ‘choose’ to cooperate.
Follow through
If your child still doesn’t do as you ask, impose the consequence swiftly and matter-of-factly. If they complain, remove your attention and walk away. You are the adult and you are choosing not to engage in the power struggle. Shouting or bombarding a child with angry words does no good at this point. He or she needs to see that you meant what you said.
Move on
Once the consequence has been imposed, move on without bearing a grudge. It’s important to remember to ‘catch your children being good’.
Let them know you appreciate it when they follow directions, especially when they do so cheerfully.
It’s important to understand that all children are uncooperative at times. And at certain ages, especially during the toddler period and early adolescence, resistance and defiance are especially common as kids struggle to prove their independence.
Click here to download this article.
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